Seems like I cry more than I ever did before I met you. I tell myself that’s me being vulnerable, letting my walls down…but is it? I spend more time questioning my reality more than I ever did before.
Am I really that defensive? Am I really too defensive? How do you know if you’re gaslighting someone else? Am I a bad person? Why am I asking myself these question? Did my childhood really screw me up that badly? Do I have nothing but strife to offer you?
Maybe I made a mistake.
Maybe what looks like love isn’t always love. Things can be too good to be true. Maybe loving someone unconditionally at your own internal expense isn’t a good thing. Perhaps I’m letting myself be destroyed day by day.
Maybe it isn’t kind to keep bringing up the past. Love doesn’t remind you of hurtful things to make a point.
Maybe I made a mistake.
You blame your moods on your trauma. Your meds. But it seems like all you see is the ex who took her own life, even when I’m nothing like her. It’s like I can’t get out of her shadow. Nothing I do is right and at times you make me feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m questioning myself now and I never did that before.
It’s quite possible this is abuse and I don’t recognize it for what it is. But maybe it isn’t. Maybe that’s the doubt you’ve planted within me. Maybe I should leave and go back to being alone, it wasn’t so bad. But I don’t know and there’s no one to tell me. How do I know when to run? How do I know to stay?
I think I made a mistake.
squirrelgirl74 